


Do Robots Have Dicks?

by Scourgefan12



Category: Hellsing
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28181556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12
Summary: No matter how you look at it, Jan does not belong in Millennium. However, Major can't help himself. He can't pass up the opportunity to let someone so... interesting into the organization.
Relationships: Major Montana Max/Jan Valentine
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Do Robots Have Dicks?

The Major absolutely played favorites. You might think he'd be above that sort of thing, but you'd be very wrong.

He wasn't super obvious about it, and it normally didn't impact much. If someone was his favorite then they wouldn't get a whole lot in the way of special treatment. They'd get a little, maybe, depending on how much he ended up liking them, but for the most part he would just take a keener interest in them than the others.

He'd had a few favorites over the years. 

One was the Doktor. They'd met back during the second world war, Major had gotten injured on the battlefield and the medic he'd been sent to happened to be none other than Avondale Napyeer. Major had taken an immediate liking to him.

Since then, if he had a choice in the matter, he'd make sure Dok was the one tending to his wounds. This gave them time to get to know each other. He learned of Dok's interest in the supernatural, of the medical advancements and experiments he wanted to preform but had no means to. Major decided then that he _really_ liked Dok, he'd never met someone so fascinating before in his life. 

When the Millennium project was officially started, of course Major only had one person in mind to assist him with it. There was only one person who was capable of being the head scientist of the project, as far as he was concerned.

They'd been together since then. A lot happened over the years. The war ended, they'd needed to go into hiding, Dok had needed to save Major's life at least once. All this time, Major's interest in Dok never completely went away. He still considered the man his friend, or something along those lines. His partner in crime, perhaps.

Another favorite of his was the Captain, his loyal guard dog. The Captain was also someone he'd known since the war, but unlike with Dok, he didn't know anything about the other man. Not _really_.

He knew that the Captain was a werewolf, and a natural one too, he'd been a creature of the night far before Millennium was even an idea. That, however, was the extent of his knowledge.

The Captain was a hard person to get to know. Major had tried speaking to him before, around when they were first acquainted, but he never got any response. The most reaction he'd ever get was a blink, _maybe_ a raised eyebrow if his bodyguard was feeling especially engaged. Major ended up coming to the conclusion that Captain physically couldn't speak, either that or he just really wanted nothing to do with Major beyond doing his job.

He suspected that this was exactly why he took such a liking to the Captain. The sense of mystery surrounding him was intriguing, and the way he completely ignored much of what Major said to him was amusing. It was funny, where most people would either laugh or react with horror to some of the things he did and said, Captain was always so composed and uncaring.

Eventually Major stopped trying to get reactions out of him, recognizing such a thing as pointless. He mostly just let the other man preform his duty in relative peace, though sometimes he'd still talk to him, just for fun. Plus, having someone he could say anything to and know that it wouldn't be passed on to anyone else was pretty nice.

For a while, those two were the only ones he'd label as his favorites. The others in Millennium were interesting enough, great soldiers with impressive powers, but none of them really caught his eye. The one who got closest to doing so was Schrodinger, but even he didn't hold Major's attention quite like the other two.

Maybe it was just because he'd known them the longest, logic dictated that the longer you knew someone the more attached you'd get. And he hadn't known anyone else in Millennium nearly as long, so it made sense that none of them were on Dok and Captain's level.

That's the conclusion he came to, and what he assumed for a while. Not that it was something he thought about extensively, mostly just during his free time when he didn't have anything particularly important or pressing to focus on.

He ended up getting proven wrong, eventually.

It happened late into their time in hiding. It had already been nearly fifty years, which meant it was nearly time to put his decades of planning to work.

Before that though, he had to get a few more soldiers to work with.

The ones he already had scouted a few countries for potential recruits. This mostly resulted in a whole lot of nothing. People who could be turned and added to the growing vampire army, but nobody who was skilled enough join the higher ranking officers.

This wasn't a detrimental problem, of course. Things would be able to proceed just fine like this, but they would just go even smoother, not to mention they'd be more fun, if he could get a few more real Millennium members. Ones who actually mattered.

With enough persistence, he ended up getting what he wanted.

He was introduced to two promising potential recruits. The Valentine brothers.

They weren't overly impressive to look at, but Major could tell that they could be very useful, with some training and patience. They could be something great.

The older one, Luke, was definitely more suited for the job. Impeccable manners, he addressed each Millennium member he met with respect. He did as he was told, followed instructions. Unlike some recruits, he didn't seem overly eager to impress, he just did what was expected of him and let his actions speak for themselves.

He also seemed quite brave. He was obviously scared out of his mind, he didn't trust Major or his band of freaks for a second. Despite that, he stood strong, never once backing away or trying to run, even when faced with things that would have warranted such reactions. Even when faced with real monsters, albeit weaker ones, just ghouls, he stood his ground. The most he did to show his fear was herd his brother behind him, shielding the other with his body, willing to throw himself to the figurative wolves if it meant keeping his little brother safe. 

Needless to say, he passed with flying colors. He would make an incredible soldier if he could keep this behavior up.

And then there was his brother, Jan. He was a treat.

Unlike Luke, he was about as far from a good recruit as you could get. He barely listened to what he was told, only following instructions at his brother's insistence. He openly insulted Millennium, calling those who worked under the Major bootlickers. He also personally antagonized just about everyone he came in contact with, including the Major himself. His attacks weren't all that creative, he mostly went after Major's weight, with the occasional jab at his sanity thrown in.

One good thing about him though, he most certainly wasn't a coward. Anyone who was able to behave in such a way, even after being shown how much power the people he was talking to held, seemed to feel no fear at all. It was impressive, and also outlandishly stupid.

The Doktor didn't like Jan one bit, he suggested that they just kill him and get it over with, which Jan responded to by calling him a pussy and telling him to do it. This earned him a sharp glare from Dok and an elbow in the ribs from Luke. As well as roaring laughter from the Major.

He _liked_ Jan. He needed Jan in the organization.

He couldn't deny that Jan didn't seem like he'd be especially useful, as uncooperative as he was. But that was fine, he'd learn to listen. His brother seemed to be capable of keeping him in line, of keeping him on a leash, so that would likely make integration into Millennium easier. Plus, a street rat like him would likely be easily won over once he got a taste of Millennium's excessive wealth.

Normally Major didn't care for the difficult types, the ones who would only end up making his life harder. Jan though, he was different. He was fun. Most people who disobeyed and talked back to Major only managed to be annoying, like petulant children. And Jan, while he was definitely much like a child, was different from them.

Most of them did what they did out of fear, or self interest. They didn't like how Major ran things, or didn't like his end goal, or didn't get something they wanted from him, and so they'd rebel. Jan, on the other hand, didn't seem to care about any of that. He was just doing this for his own entertainment. He thought that angering people was funny, his only goal was to get under Major's skin.

That was fresh, that was interesting. Major couldn't remember the last time he'd met someone like that, much less someone who had the courage to act that way towards him specifically, even the most volatile people he'd met tended to try and be on their best behavior when they were around him.

So, of course he let the Valentine brothers join. He ignored Dok's protests, telling him to get preparations ready for the two of them to be turned.

They seemed legitimately surprised at this, apparently having been convinced that Major would want nothing to do with them after what he'd seen.

Jan felt the need to ask, make sure that he was serious. That he wasn't just saying that, but planning on killing them after they were knocked out for the surgery.

Major assured him that he was genuinely impressed with them, and that he would be very disappointed if anything were to happen to them.

Soon after that, they became full fledged vampires, and official Millennium members.

Major kept watch over them, kept track of how they were adjusting to the organization. Not in person, he didn't have time for that, but rather through the security cameras stationed around the HQ.

Luke was about what he expected. Hardworking, diligent, but not the most interesting.

Jan also lived up to his expectations, but was much more enjoyable to watch. 

He worked hard when it came to combat training, but that was about it. Most of the time, no other responsibilities kept his attention enough for him to do more than the bare minimum without being practically forced into it. Luckily for him, as low rank as he was he didn't have a surplus of responsibilities.

He made enemies of the other high ranking officers very quickly. None of them took kindly to his loud and brash attitude, and his insults succeeded in pissing them off. Sometimes, it seemed like they really would try to kill him.

Major knew he shouldn't let Jan get away with some of the things he did, that doing so technically counted as giving him special treatment since he certainly wouldn't let any of the others act like this, not to mention how it was interfering with the performance of some of the others. But, well... It was just so fun. He hadn't known how much he'd longed to have a shit-stirrer like Jan around.

He would intervene though, sometimes. He'd call Jan to his office, to speak with him personally. He'd tell Jan to straighten out his behavior, threaten to dock his pay or force more work on him. On the rare occasions where he was actually upset, he'd remind Jan that Millennium had the power to kill him at any time.

Jan would only laugh at him, not caring in the slightest. He'd say that Major wasn't his dad, that he couldn't scare him. And that was something Major made sure to remember, not to use against Jan or anything, but just because it was interesting.

Major once threatened to punish Luke in Jan's place, and that had gotten results. In an instant, Jan had went from amused to furious, said that Major wasn't allowed to do that. His brother had done nothing wrong, it wasn't fair. If it weren't for the Captain keeping an eye on him, Major was sure that Jan would have attacked him.

Major chuckled at his anger, reassuring him that he wouldn't do such a thing, he'd just wanted to see what reaction that would get.

Jan actually growled at him in response to that, calling him a piece of shit. After he left, he was much easier to provoke than normal. This did the opposite of fix the problem Major had been trying to solve, but seeing Jan acting out of anger instead of the usual desire to entertain himself was interesting enough to make up for that.

Major ended up needing to have these sorts of meetings quite often. Usually at the insistence of one of the others, if complaining to Jan's brother about his behavior didn't get results then they'd go to the Major in hopes that he'd take action.

Major couldn't take issue with it, talking to Jan was just about guaranteed to be a good time. He would let Dok take care of the actual punishments, as long as it wasn't anything too cruel or unusual, not having a whole lot of interest in that sort of thing. Besides, he knew that nothing they could do would set Jan straight for long, so why expend his energy on it?

During one of these meetings, Jan decided to have a little fun of his own. Which wasn't rare, in fact it was much rarer for him to not try and fuck with Major a little during their talks. It rarely actually got to him, usually this resulted in Major participating in Jan's little game, seeing if he could say anything that got to Jan.

This time, Jan sauntered in, as unapologetic as always. He was long past the point of giving a damn about any of this, if he'd ever cared to begin with, he knew Major wasn't going to dish out any serious consequences.

"You sure do like your alone time with me, huh?" This was, what, the fourth time this month he'd met up with the Major? 

"I only keep calling you here because you keep giving me reason to." Major countered.

"Yeah, whatever." He rested his hands on Major's desk, leaning in close. "You sure about that? You sure you don't got a crush on me or somethin'?"

Major could have denied that, insisting that Jan was only here for professional reasons. Or he could have deflected, changing the subject to the topic at hand. What would be the fun in any of that, though?

"And?" He gave a smirk to rival Jan's own. "What if I do?"

That knocked the smug look right off Jan's face. For a moment, he was actually caught off guard. His eyes widened before narrowing to give Major a confused look. "...What?"

"I know you heard me." Major rested his chin on his fist, raising his other hand to flick at the zipper of Jan's jacket. "What if I do? What would you do about it?"

Jan looked... lost. He had no idea where to go from here, he clearly hadn't been anticipating that sort of response. He was so used to people reacting to any advances he made with anger or discomfort that he had no idea how to act when someone fired back with the same energy as him.

Getting the chance to watch Jan squirm was absolutely delectable, Major had definitely made the right decision. He was almost tempted to go even farther, start pulling the zipper down or something, but he didn't want to go too far. He wanted to stick to what Jan could handle.

He was convinced that he'd broken Jan, caused him to short circuit. Jan just stared for a while, Major could practically hear the gears struggling to turn in his head.

Then, after a few seconds, he seemed to switch back on. He recovered from the shock he was in and starting grinning wildly. "You're fucking with me right now."

Major neither confirmed or denied that. He just raised an eyebrow. "Am I?" _Was_ he? That was a question to worry about later.

"If you're being serious, I'll climb under your desk and suck you off _right now_." The way he said it, it sounded somewhere between a threat and an offer.

Major couldn't help but laugh at that. There it was, that was closer to the reaction he'd initially expected. "I'm afraid I'm a bit busy right now, so I'll have to decline."

"Man, you're no fun." Jan crossed his arms at that, finally leaning away. "You could easily do me and whatever super important work you got on your plate at the same time, don't even act like you couldn't."

Major made sure to look contemplative. "You're right, I suppose I _could_." He noted the hopeful glint in Jan's eye after he spoke. "But, maybe I just don't want to."

"So you _were_ fucking with me." 

Obviously. He wasn't sure why Jan had taken him seriously. Did he seem like the type to actually hit on his subordinates? Or, did he not give off that sort of impression at all, and this was just confirmation that Jan was serious about his own attempts at coming onto people? It was hard to tell, Major felt that he may have to look into this a bit more.

"Tell you what." He started after a few moments of silence. "If you can manage to behave yourself for... hmm, let's say a whole week, then come see me again and we can see about taking you up on that offer."

A look of shock briefly flitted across Jan's face before he started cackling. "You know what? Fuck it, sure, you got a deal." 

"Pleased to hear it." 

"Tellin' you right now though, if I get back here and you back out or try and act like you were just kidding around, I'm kicking your ass."

He wouldn't, the Captain would assure that would never happen. Still, Major nodded. "Fair enough, we wouldn't want that."

Jan sighed, glancing back at the door. "Guess that means I can go now, huh?"

"Go on, no point in loitering."

Jan did what was requested of him, leaving with a promise that he would be back, and he expected Major to follow through.

Major wasn't really sure what he was planning to do, if he was being completely honest. He didn't expect Jan to succeed, but if he did... That left Major in a bit of a bind, didn't it?

If Jan did succeed, then that proved that this, whatever _this_ was, actually worked. Major had actually found a way to control Jan, to get him to listen. He'd succeeded in doing what even Jan's brother couldn't fully do. It would be a bit cruel of him to not follow through on his promise if that were the case, wouldn't it? If not to Jan, then to everyone else in Millennium who continuously filed complaints about Jan.

Not that Major cared too much about cruelty or fairness or any of that. But still, it was something to think about. Something to consider.

He had a whole week to think about it, thankfully. That was plenty of time to figure out what he wanted to do.

**Author's Note:**

> It's my goal to ship Jan with every Millennium member, I guess  
> My first time seriously trying to write the Major and it's fucking this. I'm sorry to any Major stans reading rn, I couldn't help myself. I thought of the title and I couldn't resist


End file.
